Below is an excerpt from the latest Garden Bug Tracker, v2025.01. These reports have been logged during routine observation cycles and late-evening spirals.
Bug #001: Ant Overpopulation
Severity: High
Component: Tomatoes (entire colony)
Description: Dozens of tiny green pests discovered clustered along stems and underside of leaves. Actively feeding on plant sap and excreting sticky residue (“honeydew”) like they pay rent.
Reproduction Rate: Alarmingly efficient
First Noticed: When ants started appearing with suspicious enthusiasm.
Fix: Sprayed with diluted soap and water mixture. Introduced ladybirds (manual install).
Status: Mitigated, pending observation. Some survivors likely planning a fork.
Bug #002: Powdery Mildew
Severity: Medium
Component: Basil leaves
Description: White fungal residue spreading across leaf surfaces. Affected foliage looks like it was sneezed on by a ghost.
Trigger Conditions: Damp mornings, poor airflow, excessive optimism.
Fix: Removed infected leaves. Adjusted spacing between plants. Whispered passive-aggressive feedback to affected courgette.
Status: Contained. Monitoring for reinfection after next rain.
Bug #003: Caterpillars
Severity: Critical
Component: Kale, entire brassica sector
Description: Holes appearing in leaves, then more holes, then almost no leaves. Culprits found loitering in plain sight, unfazed.
Patch Notes:
- v1.0: Picked off manually (inefficient).
- v1.1: Deployed fine mesh netting.
- v1.2: Accidentally locked myself out of the bed while netting.
Status: Population suppressed, morale slightly damaged.
🌱 Bug #004: Tomato Leaf Curl
Severity: Low
Component: Determinate tomatoes
Description: Leaves curled upward, possibly from overexposure to wind, sun, or existential stress.
Suspected Cause: Overwatering, under-watering, or watering at the wrong time—jury is out.
Fix: Reduced watering frequency. Gave plant a pep talk.
Status: No further curling. Plant still weird but functional.
Bug #005: Fungus Gnats
Severity: Annoying
Component: Indoor seedlings
Description: Tiny black flies dancing over seed trays like they’re at a warehouse rave. Larvae live in soil and nibble roots.
Reproduction Rate: Like a bad idea on social media
Fix: Allowed soil to dry out. Top-dressed with sand. Set out vinegar trap for morale.
Status: Decreased. One gnat remains. Calls itself “The Final Boss.”
Feature Request: Predictable Weather
Status: Deferred indefinitely
Note: Affects all components. Dev team unresponsive.
“The Bug Report: Garden Edition” — Because sometimes debugging the garden is a literal process involving tweezers, soap spray, and a suspicious number of ants.